Sudden Awakening, Gradual Cultivation

Our being is not perfected by a moment of spiritual illumination, but by gradual practice which slowly transforms us at the deepest level.

Nurturing the sacred embryo (image by Ester Marie Doysabas, Unsplash)

“Although one has awakened to the fact that their original nature is no different from that of the Buddhas, the beginningless habit-energies are extremely difficult to remove suddenly and so one must continue to cultivate while relying on this awakening. Through this gradual permeation, one’s endeavors reach completion. One constantly nurtures the sacred embryo.” 
- Zen Master Chinul (1158-1210), in Secrets on Cultivating the Mind p 102.

It is tempting to share only the highpoints of the spiritual journey, but they are just that – the high points. Like mountain peaks, they rise high above the villages below, stretching upwards as if to pierce the heavens. While those are the moments that propel us forward into a new life, most of our lives are lived in the valleys below, integrating peak experiences and simply living life. As the great Korean Zen Master Chinul suggested, awakening does not perfect our being in one flash of blinding light. To get to a place of spiritual maturity we must continue the process of gradual spiritual cultivation until our whole being is transformed. How long does this process take? I have no idea! Like Moses glimpsing the promised land from afar, I have a vision of where I seem to be headed. That is enough for me now.

In 1987, I experienced a powerful initial awakening to nondual consciousness which was catalyzed by the presence of Br David Steindl-Rast, a Benedictine monk (see A Monk in the World, Feb 29, 2024). This profound awakening opened up a whole new experience of God to me. For almost a year afterwards, I experienced striking phenomena which reminded me that I was no longer the person that I had been. My system was alive with new energies and awake to new ways of knowing. The subtle energies of the body, including the Holy Spirit, were a vibrant living reality to me. When I sat in contemplative meditation, I felt absorbed into God and it was easy to rest in this for long periods of time. I sometimes felt that I slipped into a moment of union in which the separation between self and God disappeared.  I remember one time when I fell into such a state, ended my meditation in that state, and to my amazement, stood and walked across the room, several steps, in what felt like Divine Union.

I quickly determined that I should feed this new growing spiritual awareness by making a few changes in my life. Along with sitting daily in contemplative prayer, I decided to change the music that I listened to. A grad school friend believed that some rock music was satanic, devil music. For me, that was going way too far. but I did decide to sell most of my rock albums. In their place, I bought a handful of John Michael Talbot albums, and quickly began listening to them over & over.  It was a chaotic, unsettled time.  I had lost interest in my graduate studies, but I wasn’t ready to leave the program. Inspired by the writings of Thomas Merton and reports from friends in AA who’d visited the Abbey of Gethsemane where Merton had lived, I briefly considered becoming a Trappist Monk. I also considered becoming a minister and went so far as to apply to MDiv programs at several seminaries in the San Francisco Bay Area. With no clear guidance, I continued my doctoral studies.

As up in the air as my vocation was, my personal life during this time was turbulent. My mind, emotions and body went through a wide range of states on a daily basis, from spiritual highs to despair and depression. As often happens during spiritual awakenings, my sexual energy had been  activated and there I was, a sexually repressed 20-something with a crush on a friend from church that I dared not speak of. A dark night of the soul followed after some months, further ratcheting up the intensity of my day to day experience. There were days when I burst into tears while walking to and from my grad school lab. It was a lonely, often difficult time. And yet, there was also such joy – and a sense of hope.

Photo by Thomas Schaefer on Unsplash

Thomas Keating once wrote that a novice monk is something like a bubbling cauldron of fermenting grapes. At this early stage of wine production, the yeast gorge themselves on the grapes’ sugar and reproduce like crazy, churning out alcohol and gas. This is a necessary first step in making wine, but the liquid bears little resemblance at this point to the final product. It takes time, and some attention, to get to a fine cabernet from the initial ferment. And there I was, bubbling and churning in a wonderful divinely inspired and orchestrated period of intense initiation. Thank God I lived through it!

Looking back on that period, I smile when I think of how necessary it all was: the chaos, the de-repression of my sex drive, the experience of extreme emotional and mental instability. My life was really a mess in grad school and a moment of spiritual awakening brought all that messiness right up into my face where I could see it, feel it, and begin to work with it. Yes, it was a difficult time. Yes, I wondered at times if I was going crazy. But along with the ups and downs, I had a new sense of stability to lean on. There was the presence of Spirit within and all around me, comforting and strong. And there was the memory of those moments of non-separateness, and all the beauty of that experience. When times were tough, I had a new trust that things were improving. I was on the right track. I had glimpsed the promised land and so I walked my path with a certain confidence and ease, even as the drama continued.

(image courtesy of Allphoto Bangkok, on Unsplash)

These days, 30 plus years later, I remember the early days and years as if from afar. I still have ups and downs, but the wild gyrations of that time are a faded memory. I stand among the tall peaks and call them by name. But I also walk the valleys below, feeling my deep connection to all life and the one Spirit that flows through it all. I hang out with my friends: rocks and trees, sky and water – birds and cats and people of all kinds.  Life is precious and beautiful beyond the reach of words.

May we all be filled with lovingkindness - all beings everywhere, without exception
May our bodies be strong and healthy
May our hearts know love
May our minds know peace
May we join together
In our interconnectedness
All beings, one body

Here's to our journey, and our ongoing awakening, cultivation, and deepening!

-Bill

References

The Chinul quote is from his teaching, “Secrets on Cultivating the Mind,” translated by Robert E. Buswell, Jr., in his book, Tracing Back the Radiance, Chinul’s Korean Way of Zen.

Fr Thomas Keating’s story about winemaking comes from his book, And the Word was Made Flesh, p. 68